Die Rede ist von Karmasheetra, dem Bettuch mit den aufgedruckten Positionen, damit man in dem Moment, wo man seinen Kopf ganz woanders hat, nicht auch noch nachdenken muss. Wir nennen es auch eine Gliedmassenvorsortiereinrichtung.

Hier der Bericht unseres Probanden. Umständehalber in Englisch.

Day 0: She bought a Karmasheetra. We’re going to try it tomorrow. I’m so excited she wants to spice up our sex life. We’ll have such a great time.

Day 1: Great sex. This Karmasheetra is wonderful. Tried three new positions. She came three times. Told me she wants to do this every day. Call me Hulk then.

Day 2: Great sex. I could get used to this. Tried two new positions. I didn’t even know I had a muscle there! You can call me Arnold, I guess.

Day 3: Great sex. Tried to re-create one of our new positions and failed. She told me it’s OK and that she likes cuddling a lot. So call me Jack (in “Something’s gotta give“).

Day 4: Great good sex. She’s out with her girl friends. Kama Sutra is about being one with the universe. Contemplating difficult questions, such as when one hand is clapping in the forest with nobody else there, will someone find out about it? Call me Jack (as in “Off”).

Day 5: Good sex. We tried the missionary position on the Karmasheetra. It’s in the Kamasutra, after all. (It’s important we don’t neglect the familiar things over all the new ones we learn.) It accomodated it without problems. This sheet is so versatile!! Call me Rambo.

Day 6: We tried all the hand and foot prints at once. I’ve never been a fan of group activitities. Called the Crisis Line.

Day 7: Great sex, OK? Tried a new position. Felt a bit awkward but whatever gets the choo-choo-train into the station is good. Tried a few shunting maneuvers, not sure the locomotive is still properly attached to the tank wagons. Called it a day.

Day 8: Read about position from Day 7 in Kamasutra, checked Karmasheetra. That blob where I had to do the push-ups was in fact a spot on the linen. She must have forgotten to tell me she got her period. Stop calling me names, will you?

Day 9: Chiropractor tells me I’m going to be OK. We’re trying the “Nurse” game for a while. I hate it when she says I’ll be her NHS patient. Call me Jack (in “One flew over the Cuckoo’s nest“).

Day 10: Tried to secretly return Karmasheetra for refund. Shop clerk told me it’s like a CD, once you’ve unwrapped it you can’t return it. Call me Jack (in “Anger Management“)

Day 11: Revenge will be mine. Call me Norman.

Day 12: Neighbours’ kids came over for the day. Nothing like a bunch of hyperactive six-year-olds painting with finger colours on white bedsheets to brighten up your day. Call me Jack (in “Batman“)

Day 13: Great sex. We tried ten new positions, exactly as laid out on the new Karmasheetra. None of them worked. Her chiropractor tells her it’s going to be OK in a while. Call me Alfred (directing “The Trouble with Harry“).